Where Did my Boobs Go?

I learned a valuable life lesson this morning: Do not let a 5 year old in the bathroom while you are showering unless you are prepared to hear less than complimentary comments about your body. Studying me towelling off as she peed she queried, “Mommy, why are your boobies drooping down? Why don’t they stay up?” I wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry. Good question my little flower, the sad truth is, my post-postpartum boobs are rather gravitationally challenged. You’ve heard of the pencil test? I can carry a bumper pack of markers.

I once had a fairly perky bosom. Never large, but they could hold their own. When I laid on my back they’d stand proudly above rather than skulking to the sides to hide under my armpits as they do now. And it’s not as if they grew disproportionately during pregnancy or when my milk came in. I know some new moms have incredible chest expansion issues. There was the day on Twitter I came across an ad for “Nursing bras… up to size M” M???? M???? My jaw dropped down almost as low as my boobs. These poor women need a wheelbarrow, not a nursing bra. A friend of mine has always had an ample bosom but admitted that maintaining her impressive cleavage postpartum involved a fair bit of gathering-up and arranging in her bra.

I know that the official line is that breastfeeding per-se isn’t the cause of sagging postpartum boobs. Supposedly it’s genes and age that determine how well your boobs will bounce back after pregnancy and breastfeeding have taken their toll. But I’m sceptical – how come my mom’s still got boobs while mine did a vanishing act? Only difference is, she didn’t breastfeed us. Of course it is possible that I take after my dad, although his boobs aren’t saggy either. No, if I’m honest, it’s probably the age factor that got me. If I’d had my kids 5 years earlier perhaps my boobs would have fared better. Age gets us all in the end. Last week at the village fete I spotted a guy from school that I used to ‘fancy’. Goodness me, how things change in 25 years. His entire body had sagged; his face looked like a deflated beach ball. I was left feeling mighty relieved that that one didn’t work out after all. So perhaps at my age if my only problem is “boobies drooping down” I should be grateful. At least until the next time my daughter pops into the bathroom to point out a flaw.